Ivy

I am a resilient child
with roots scattered around parts of this earth my feet have never stepped on,
a survivor of abuse
who grew upon grief
like unwatered seeds that still flourish into beautiful flowers
winter after winter.

Like ivy
that crawls slowy upon our walls,
I grow stronger
no matter how often you try to tear me apart,
for I will still survive inbetween cracks of the crumbling facade
that once held together our homes.

If life has taught me anything
it is that pain eventually fades
into distant memories
like broken dreams from farfetched lands,
still hurting us somewhere
but less and less, each day.

I am a resilient child
who walks with blisters on her feet
yet a head held high.

Jehona Thaqi©

Forgetting

I am forgetting,
honey –
for your face is fading into nothingness
and my memory of you
is drifting too far from me.

I had promised,
to never forget you
and I clung too long to our broken love
trying to remember
more than just the pain that sleeps within us.

I am forgetting
the scent of your skin
that reminded me so much of home,
and kept me remembering
our love.

I am forgetting you,
honey.

I would call you,
to apologize
for breaking my promise,
but I can’t quite remember
your name.

Jehona Thaqi©

Agony

Agony
hidden within my smiling face,
lurking somewhere
between skin and soul,
floating in unseen dimensions
-unable to grasp,
yet so present
underneath this never ending
smile.

How do we walk
with bleeding feet,
reminding us what pain is
on every step we take
-unable to stop
this anguish of
walking
too far from ourselves.

How do we talk
with a knotted tongue,
leaving our words meaningless
and incomprehensible
to the outer world
-unable to express
this pain of not knowing
how to seek help.

Agony
hidden underneath my skin.

How do I free this body
from myself?

Jehona Thaqi©

Tulips

I have planted tulips
in our garden –
just in time,
before the first snow of this winter
covers the ground.

You glare at my hands,
covered in scars and blisters –
I wonder if you remember their first touch upon your skin,
how softly they danced upon your cheeks.

You have packed your bags,
with more clothes and personal things,
then memories we have made –
and as you look back for the last time
I lower my gaze.

I have planted tulips
in our garden –
just in time.

You left me
broken and small,
but I will grow upon grief
and unfold
like the tulips
in my garden.

Jehona Thaqi©

Flowers / Lule

I used to pluck flowers
for you
while my white dress
shone bright in spring’s light
and as I danced
so carelessly,
upon freshly watered grass,
you watched from our window
and cried
for all the flowers
gone too soon.

I used to pluck flowers
for you
while you listened to the radio,
wondeing how many fathers had already fallen,
how many mothers were raped
and how many children were left homeless.

I used to pluck flowers
for you
father,
but you never put them in a vase,
like the fathers of my friends.

It is only now,
father,
that I understand
why you never cherished
flowers.

For they reminded you
of our people’s graves.

Unë dikur këpusja lule
për ty
ndërsa fustani im i bardhë
shkëlqente në dritën e diellit pranveror;
dhe ndërsa kërceja,
me shumë pakujdesi
mbi barin e ujitur,
më shikoje nga dritarja jonë
dhe të pikonte loti
për të gjitha lulet
e këputura.

Unë dikur këpusja lule
për ty
ndërsa ti ndëgjoje radion
dhe e pyesje veten
se sa baballarë kishin vdekur tashmë,
sa nëna u përdhunuan,
dhe sa fëmijë kishin mbetur jetimë.

Unë dikur këpusja lule
për ty
baba,
por ti kurrë nuk i vendose ato në vazo, si baballarët e miqve të mi.

Por tani,
baba,
unë e kuptova
përse nuk i ke dashur kurrë lulet qe i këpusja.

Ato të kujtonin varrezat
e popullit tonë.

Jehona Thaqi©

An open letter (II)

I sit silently upon my bed,
my hands resting on my thighs,
caressing this dress you loved on me,
wondering if you still remember
my name.

I sit there until the sound of rain diminishes into nothingness,
until gray skies turn black
and the autumn wind slowly falls asleep.

I wonder if you remember
the way I danced upon my veranda,
careless –
for there was nothing to worry about;
I thought I had found love within your arms,
instead my arms were nothing to you,
but a port of desire.

I sit silently upon my bed,
my hands pressed tightly on my thighs.

There is nothing left to remember.

Jehona Thaqi©

When love leaves

image

When love leaves
at the beginning of everything,
leaves you
at the beginning of endless pain;
it seems it leaves
before the end,
as the end shall never come.

When love leaves
with all you ever had
and leaves the memory
of all you have been;
it seems it leaves
before the end,
as the end shall never come.

When love leaves,
please leave too.
Go home, to your roots,
for love will leave before the end,
as it knows no end at all.
Love will leave,
and you will shrink,
but how soon you will grow
before you know;
as love leaves before the end,
and it knows no end at all.

When love leaves
you broken
and withered
and crooked
and small,
then leave, too.
Remember that you are the first love of all.

Remember
to go home
to yourself.

Jehona Thaqi© you are your greatest strength

An open letter

I sit silently upon our bed
the clock ticking  in the corner of our room,
birds twittering to the melody of a late summer evening
and while the last sunrays enter our small house
I think of your soft hands and mellow lips;
I think of how you used to hold my jaw
as if it was the greatest you have ever held.

Time passes; the clock still ticking,
until its sound diminishes within the blurred pictures of my mind,
skies turn gray and birds fall silent
and I sit there, dry eyes and empty heart,
I sit in order to remember
how you said love would never be forgotten
and how quickly you forgot to call it love.

Sometimes I do not know why I write letters to you
again and again,
unread stories and untold secrets,
floating within the space of your fingers and my desk.

Maybe one day you will have the time to read
what has taken me too long to witness.

Jehona Thaqi©

If I could

I would put my arms around you if I could;
hold onto the body that held me in silence,
run my fingers across the spine that carried much more than its own weight,
put my cheeks at the edge of the shoulders that have endured rain on sunny days,
wrap my hands around the hardened knuckles and stiff fingers;
but I can not.

You sit across the room,
I glare at your soft features and glowing skin;
your face a mirror of your soul, beautiful and tired,
with wrinkles across your forehead and dark circles underneath your eyes;
I see a young man tired of fighting alone, yet too proud to tell me so –
I would put my arms around you if I could,
but the room grows bigger each time I move towards you,
unable to reach your soft skin and tired soul.

You look at me with big eyes and a vivid smile,
a smile as soft and tender as described in Fitzgerald’s novel,
and you too, like Gatsby, will sooner or later diminish into nothingness
if you do not let me take your pain;
I would put my arms around you if I could,
but the more I run towards you,
the further you seem to be.

I will put my arms around you, dear,
so open up your soul,
for I have love within my broken heart
which can heal both of us.

Jehona Thaqi© I am here